Wednesday, November 30, 2011

So wrong... 12 Things We Won't Be Getting Bethany For Christmas

I’ve been looking at the internet lately, trying to think of Christmas present ideas for Bethany.  I haven’t found anything I definitely want to get her, but I have found a few that we will try to avoid.

There are a few 'shocking toy' lists floating round the interwebs.  Initially I was just going to link to another one of these lists, but I found that most of them included toys along the lines of the breastfeeding doll (which... Gasp! might encourage your child to imitate breastfeeding - quick, stop them, they might learn that breasts have a non-sexual, nurturing function) or a cleaning set (which... OMG! Might encourage your child to clean) etc. The fact that so many people are up in arms over children having toys which depict normal, healthy activities that most children probably see every day is probably even more disturbing than the following list.

Although this list is pretty disturbing...

12. Adolf Hitler Doll 

Comes with removable Nazi uniform. 

11. Aqua Dots 

They look innocuous enough. You wet them and they stick together so you can make exciting pixellated pictures.  Only problem is that if you swallow them the chemical coating on the beads turns into the date rape drug gamma hydroxyl butyrate, which can induce seizures, unconsciousness, coma and death. 

 10.  The ‘Laugh A Lot’ Doll 

Creepy, no?  Otherwise known as ‘Chucky’s Psycho Younger Sister’.  
Apparently laughs with maniacal hysterical laughter. 

9. Pee and Poo 

I mean, I know we’ll be doing toilet training in the near future, but this is one step too far for me. 

8. Little Red Riding Hood 

I don’t know what version of Little Red Riding Hood this is, but probably not one sold outside of SexyLand. 

7. Childbirth Barbie 

Yes, childbirth is natural and normal, but this doll definitely is not.  Of course, it would be great for re-enacting scenes out of Alien. (I don't know who manufactures this doll - I suspect it's not technically the actual 'Barbie' brand.)

6. The Sunburnt Village People Doll 

This doll raises more questions than it answers… like: Why is he sunburnt?  And why is there a sad face on his chest?    Unlike some of the others in this list, it’s not creepy and weird.  I just can’t stop wondering: why? 

5. You Can Shave the Baby

Apparently this doll was a work of subversive art from the 1960s, not for realz.  Thank god. 

4. Aspirational T-Shirt

*Sob* I’d be so proud.

3. An Epidermit

This doesn’t just look odd, it is actually made out of genetically engineered human flesh.  Like any other toy made from human flesh, you need to store it in the refrigerator. 

2. Russian Roulette Game 

Don’t worry, kids!  Not real bullets.  You hold it to your head and hippo legs just spring out and smack you in the face when you least expect it.  It’s random – just like real Russian Roulette!  Good to play after Xmas dinner before sitting down as a family to watch The Deer Hunter.

1. Stripper Doll

Style!  Interesting!  Music!  Flash!  Up and Down!  Go Round and Round! 


  1. Oh that is hilarious. But I actually did have a Barbie that could have babies when I was little.. I really liked it... LOL (It wasn't a real "Barbie" though, as you suspect)

  2. Yeah, I tossed up whether to put that one in the list.  If someone gave Bethany that for Xmas, I wouldn't take it away from her, like I probably would for all the others except the village people doll.  I'm not against a childbirth doll per se - it's just the way the stomach pops right off and you take her apart that gets me. Because she's not an anatomy doll, she's an attractive, sexualized woman figure, and seeing her with her stomach cut open is a bit too horror movie for me.  I also find 'childbirth barbie' reminds me irritatingly of all the celebrity magazines where models and actresses emerge from pregnancy looking like barbie again in a few months. But i know plenty of little girls get great joy from Barbie, and the things about it that bother me may not bother everyone. I know it's completely out of character for me to over think things :P

  3. Weird weird weird weird weird. Some real ideas: duplo and or wooden blocks, dolls of the non-skanky variety, a trike, a keyboard (music), plastic tea set.. etc etc. Is there really a breastfeeding doll? That'd be awesome for my daughter she loves watching me feed her brother.